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Connections...
08.03.06 (1:46 pm)   [edit]
This week was brought to me by the word "CONNECTIONS."
I believe I might split wide open if I have to have one more conversation about connections! 
The first conversation I had is what led to the one I will post about today.  The first conversation led to BD and I talking about how people connect and how you meet people and you connect but others you don't and how people can cheat on their SO or spouse or whatever.
Since he tends to be the more solid/steady one, when he insists that he isn't the cheating kind, I pretty much believe him. He is loyal  - so much so that i think it has been a weakness at times, but still I value loyalty. 
I let him know that I think that in our relationship I don't think it will be him running off with someone, but that I would be the one with a questionable connection or relationship.  This isn't the first time we have had this conversation.  It isn't based on anything concrete or an incident that has happened.  Just on my fears and observations of the couples around me.
This time the conversation took an odd turn when BD asked if I had any connection to people outside of him.  I told him no immediately.  But the more I think of that conversation and that question I am not so sure and I am not sure that it is a bad thing.
Why wouldn't me having connections to other males be a bad thing?  Well, because we are neither engaged nor married.  We are in a long distance relationship and we are not seeing other people.  We aren't committed for the future and we don't have a date as to when we will be in the same state/city.
While I know he wants us to be married in the future, I am not sure yet and I know I won't be as sure as he is until we are in the same city for a while.  That is just how I am. I don't trust what people say 5 states away.  I want to see how we interact on a daily basis and how our lives work together.
In the meantime, I still have contact with a few of my ex-Mr. Men.  Not a TON of contact, but still contact.  I dont' tell him about each contact. I don't know that I need to.  And with 2 of my ex-Mr. Men there is a connection.
They wouldn't have been Mr. Men in my life if there wasn't a "connection."
So now, did I lie?  I didn't think I was at the time.  Do I need to revisit this conversation again?  UGH I HATE being long distance for these types of conversations. It is always better in person when you might be talking about things which could be read into and misconstrued.
*sigh*
I don't know.  Most nights I fall asleep with my mind making lists of why BD and I aren't going to work out anyway.  Each day I wish for something to prove the lists wrong, but that never happens.  *sigh*
I don't know.  Last night around 3 am I was convinced that BD and I should break up.  BUT I have never put much weight to decisions made at 3 am *GriN*  Too many opportunities for irrational fears and other such things to be in at the height of their strength in my mind at that time.
Anyway, I think I must be the most messed up girlfriend on the plaet.  Do other girlfriends have to disect their actions/thoughts this much? 
Kara
 
um... I think that might have been a break up! *Sigh*
07.29.06 (9:50 pm)   [edit]
I honestly don't know what that was.  I know it was over an hour of convoluted arguing, lies, and frustration, but I don't know what it ended up as.
The last thing I heard was "call me when you figure out if you are a goer or a sender.  I have to go."  Then that was it.
That is pretty clear to me.  Kara, you have a decision to make and when you make that decision BD would like to know where he fits in.  Sounds pretty straight forward, right?  Well, like everything else I have written about on here, it really isn't that simple.  *sigh*
The problem is that this comment came after over an hour of discussion about a program I have been asked to participate in.  I want to do it. I have always wanted to be a missionary or work for development relief or Red Cross or something.  over 23 years I have been intent on saving the world, championing the underdog and well...  it is just a part of me.
The problem came when I had a back surgery 5 years ago.  I feel that it is irresponsible for me to head to the wild other countries with a back which isn't stable and which most likely will not be 100% happy for the rest of my life.  I thought my dreams of being a "Goer" - someone who leaves the US to go to another country - were over.
BUT the desire to go and the passion I have for helping other people in foreign lands hasn't left. 
I did get introduced to the concept of being a "sender" last year. My first attempt at "supporting" someone who had left FAILED.  His family had different views on what would be a good thing and I got very discouraged.  Instead I pray for him 1 day a week and give money to his sending organization.  Not everything i wanted, but better than nothing.   Maybe I should make more money so I can send more people. 
SO... I gave a little bit of $$$$ to 4 friends who were going on a short term mission trip.  That was fun, but now what?
Then in the mail I received an opportunity to take a 1 year internship here where I live. It will be an opportunity to learn more about different types of ministry I haven't been a part of (Home Churches, ministering to unreached people groups etc), learn more about the possibilities and I hope find the answer to the question...
Am I, Kara, a sender or a goer?
I am pretty much resigned to being a sender.  NOt the most exciting thing, but I DO have a way of connecting with American Teenagers and I see the need in that demographic for love and kindness and mentoring.  NOt everyone is able to connect with this age, so I don't want to turn away from that too quickly.
BUT that would mean I am JUST a sender for overseas.  Is that ok?  Can I give up that dream?  Is that what I should be because I am capable of making the money to send?  I can support them when they get here on breaks. I can make cards.  There are all sorts of things i can do without going.
Am I, Kara, a goer or a sender?
Well the internship is a 1 year commitment.  So BD said he can't move here until I know the answer to that question.  So we will have to be long distance for a year. I told him we won't make it a year and I gave reasons as to why that was true. 
His response was "call me when you figure out if you are a goer or a sender.  I have to go." 
So, my question is  - are we done till I figure out the answer?  It is a one year program.  What if it takes me the whole 12 months to figure it out?  What then?
Now I am not sure if I have a boyfriend or not.  *shakes head"
Kara
 
um... I think that might have been a break up! *Sigh*
07.29.06 (9:48 pm)   [edit]
I honestly don't know what that was.  I know it was over an hour of convoluted arguing, lies, and frustration, but I don't know what it ended up as.
The last thing I heard was "call me when you figure out if you are a goer or a sender.  I have to go."  Then that was it.
That is pretty clear to me.  Kara, you have a decision to make and when you make that decision BD would like to know where he fits in.  Sounds pretty straight forward, right?  Well, like everything else I have written about on here, it really isn't that simple.  *sigh*
The problem is that this comment came after over an hour of discussion about a program I have been asked to participate in.  I want to do it. I have always wanted to be a missionary or work for development relief or Red Cross or something.  over 23 years I have been intent on saving the world, championing the underdog and well...  it is just a part of me.
The problem came when I had a back surgery 5 years ago.  I feel that it is irresponsible for me to head to the wild other countries with a back which isn't stable and which most likely will not be 100% happy for the rest of my life.  I thought my dreams of being a "Goer" - someone who leaves the US to go to another country - were over.
BUT the desire to go and the passion I have for helping other people in foreign lands hasn't left. 
I did get introduced to the concept of being a "sender" last year. My first attempt at "supporting" someone who had left FAILED.  His family had different views on what would be a good thing and I got very discouraged.  Instead I pray for him 1 day a week and give money to his sending organization.  Not everything i wanted, but better than nothing.   Maybe I should make more money so I can send more people. 
SO... I gave a little bit of $$$$ to 4 friends who were going on a short term mission trip.  That was fun, but now what?
Then in the mail I received an opportunity to take a 1 year internship here where I live. It will be an opportunity to learn more about different types of ministry I haven't been a part of (Home Churches, ministering to unreached people groups etc), learn more about the possibilities and I hope find the answer to the question...
Am I, Kara, a sender or a goer?
I am pretty much resigned to being a sender.  NOt the most exciting thing, but I DO have a way of connecting with American Teenagers and I see the need in that demographic for love and kindness and mentoring.  NOt everyone is able to connect with this age, so I don't want to turn away from that too quickly.
BUT that would mean I am JUST a sender for overseas.  Is that ok?  Can I give up that dream?  Is that what I should be because I am capable of making the money to send?  I can support them when they get here on breaks. I can make cards.  There are all sorts of things i can do without going.
Am I, Kara, a goer or a sender?
Well the internship is a 1 year commitment.  So BD said he can't move here until I know the answer to that question.  So we will have to be long distance for a year. I told him we won't make it a year and I gave reasons as to why that was true. 
His response was "call me when you figure out if you are a goer or a sender.  I have to go." 
So, my question is  - are we done till I figure out the answer?  It is a one year program.  What if it takes me the whole 12 months to figure it out?  What then?
Now I am not sure if I have a boyfriend or not.  *shakes head"
Kara
 
um... I think that might have been a break up! *Sigh*
07.29.06 (8:38 pm)   [edit]
I honestly don't know what that was.  I know it was over an hour of convoluted arguing, lies, and frustration, but I don't know what it ended up as.
The last thing I heard was "call me when you figure out if you are a goer or a sender.  I have to go."  Then that was it.
That is pretty clear to me.  Kara, you have a decision to make and when you make that decision BD would like to know where he fits in.  Sounds pretty straight forward, right?  Well, like everything else I have written about on here, it really isn't that simple.  *sigh*
The problem is that this comment came after over an hour of discussion about a program I have been asked to participate in.  I want to do it. I have always wanted to be a missionary or work for development relief or Red Cross or something.  over 23 years I have been intent on saving the world, championing the underdog and well...  it is just a part of me.
The problem came when I had a back surgery 5 years ago.  I feel that it is irresponsible for me to head to the wild other countries with a back which isn't stable and which most likely will not be 100% happy for the rest of my life.  I thought my dreams of being a "Goer" - someone who leaves the US to go to another country - were over.
BUT the desire to go and the passion I have for helping other people in foreign lands hasn't left. 
I did get introduced to the concept of being a "sender" last year. My first attempt at "supporting" someone who had left FAILED.  His family had different views on what would be a good thing and I got very discouraged.  Instead I pray for him 1 day a week and give money to his sending organization.  Not everything i wanted, but better than nothing.   Maybe I should make more money so I can send more people. 
SO... I gave a little bit of $$$$ to 4 friends who were going on a short term mission trip.  That was fun, but now what?
Then in the mail I received an opportunity to take a 1 year internship here where I live. It will be an opportunity to learn more about different types of ministry I haven't been a part of (Home Churches, ministering to unreached people groups etc), learn more about the possibilities and I hope find the answer to the question...
Am I, Kara, a sender or a goer?
I am pretty much resigned to being a sender.  NOt the most exciting thing, but I DO have a way of connecting with American Teenagers and I see the need in that demographic for love and kindness and mentoring.  NOt everyone is able to connect with this age, so I don't want to turn away from that too quickly.
BUT that would mean I am JUST a sender for overseas.  Is that ok?  Can I give up that dream?  Is that what I should be because I am capable of making the money to send?  I can support them when they get here on breaks. I can make cards.  There are all sorts of things i can do without going.
Am I, Kara, a goer or a sender?
Well the internship is a 1 year commitment.  So BD said he can't move here until I know the answer to that question.  So we will have to be long distance for a year. I told him we won't make it a year and I gave reasons as to why that was true. 
His response was "call me when you figure out if you are a goer or a sender.  I have to go." 
So, my question is  - are we done till I figure out the answer?  It is a one year program.  What if it takes me the whole 12 months to figure it out?  What then?
Now I am not sure if I have a boyfriend or not.  *shakes head"
Kara
 
First day on the job....
07.25.06 (8:42 am)   [edit]

Day one is complete!  It got a little hard to concentate aorund 9 pm last night, but I am sure I will get used to it.  The training is from 3:45 pm - midnight.  WHEW!  *Grin*  Then afterwards a group of 6 of us went out and then went to one of the girls houses. 

She is 32 and just adopted her niece and she has her own kid.  She has an amazing house a mercades and a lincoln towncar (sp?).  She is also fairly sick and she has to take pills which cost $22 a pill.  She takes them 2x a day.  She has been successful as a realtor, but not must work with the rest of us to get health insurance.  I look at our training class and think "isnt' life funny?"

I think this because we all had to pass an IQ test to get in the door.  Then some of us have been waiting 6+ weeks to start.  There are all levels of technical skill and all levels of sales experience and all levels of musical talent and all types of people who have traveled and done really cool things.  There are only 2 girls in the whole training class.  I think there are 17-18 people in the class.

Our instructor is amazing.  She is engaging and funny and can roll with the punches.  She knows her stuff and she is spectacular!! I am thankful she is ours!!!

I am a bit tired, but since I haven't been sleeping well lately, that is nothing new. I fell asleep IMMEDIATELY at 2:30 this morning *Grin* Maybe it was that I have a job.  Maybe it was the late hour.  Maybe it was the 2 hours at the gym.  I don't know... but I do know that this is starting out well! *Grin*

Now to figure out how to keep my job AND be in the same city as BD.  *sigh*

Kara
 
Finished First Class...
07.23.06 (7:39 pm)   [edit]

I finished my first class!  WOOHOOO!!!

This next week I start on my 12 CU class!  WHEW!  My advisor thinks I will have it done in 3 weeks or less.  I hope so!!! 

I am really excited!!

And I had an amazing time on the phone with BD today! 

AND my girlfriend gave me a cotton blossom.  A real one.  It is sooo cool!

Happy

Kara
 
God...the book of Job...Mercy... Justice...Honesty
07.22.06 (1:24 pm)   [edit]

WHEW!  A conversation with BGF (best guy friend) today brought little in the way of answers, but it DID tie together a few of my thought processes lately. This God thing is soooo much bigger than I am but I feel if I give up and walk away from the processing then I will have to give up on my belief in Him, so I keep pondering.

First you might recall the post I wrote about God sacraficing One for the greater good of all and if He applies that to us humans as well as His Son. 

 Well, this past week BD (baby daddy) and I were talking about God and he stated that God was all about an eye for an eye and that Jesus was a Rebel and basically an extremist.  I stated that he was ignoring the aspect of grace and mercy and that in the New Testament we are called to love God and love People.  and how does that match up with an eye for an eye.  This conversation meshed with another blog I read where the person was questioning his view of God because of how God acts in the OT vs the NT.  The story he used to share his thoughts is the one where God tells King Saul to wipe out the whole entire populace of the Amelikites (SP?).  Men, Women, Children, Animals and burn all their things.  So God called for the Genocide of this group of people.  What did they do?  They impeded the Israelites on their journey to reach the promised land. For this God told King Saul to wipe out the whole race.  Where is the mercy and grace there?

Then I am in a small group where we have been discussing the value of trust and honesty and if there are ommissions which are ok to make or if that is lying and if there is the possibility of too much truth in a relationship.  I stated that as far as I could recall in the Bible there isn't an instance of someone lying to one other person and being ok but there were instances where lying on behalf of another person or deceiving based on a governments rules was ok - such as Rahab in Jericho and Moses mother Jochabed and the Egyptian Princess (or was she queen?  Not sure).

Then today BGF and I were talking about the book of Job and he stated that Job never got to figure out why God allowed the calamity to happen to him.  He never got an answer, he couldn't justify the reasons for the sorrow and loss he experienced.  He even got reprimended by God when he asked why him.  And while he was blessed with 7 more sons and 3 more daughters and all his other wealth was doubled, he still never got to know that his story was for the rest of us through the years. 

So all of this comes together today in my mind.  It is confusing... can there be the possibility that God contradicts Himself?  I don't know.  Is it possible He does things today for purposes I will never know or understand?  Yes.  Do the ends really justify the means like in Rahabs case?  Will God allow someone to kill themselves if it means saving hundreds of others?  hmmmm...

I didn't promise answers... just thoughts in my mind!  Anyone have answers?

Kara

 

 
 
First late night cramming session
07.22.06 (1:05 am)   [edit]

School has officially started for me!  Actually I have been in class since July 1 and my first class is almost complete.  Everything is online, so I am getting used to the links and message boards and email and attachments.

WHEW!

Well, I got an email saying my weekly assignments weren't complete. I was pretty sure they were and I thought I had done them as of last Sunday.  So I found a few of the wayward posts and sent them on to my instructor.  Then I realized I was working off of the wrong list and the list I had didn't list all the assignments, it just listed all the message board assignments.

So, this morning I found out about a 5 paragraph essay I was missing.  Now it is 1:28 am and I am proud to day I have survived my first late night cramming session! *grin*

I am actually proud of myself for staying up late enough to get it done!  The last few nights I have had trouble sleeping, so I am sure that helped!! *Grin*  But now I can cross that off my list.

I also started washing my sheets, so tomorrows (which is actually today now *Grin*) to do list is already shrinking!  YIPPEE!

Kara
 
My thighs look thinner - cause she said so...
07.21.06 (7:39 am)   [edit]

Kiki and I had the opportunity to hang out last night.  Can I just say how much I miss her?  We don't work together anymore, so I don't get to hear her every day stuff.  I miss hanging at her cube... calling her to harrass her... sending email...  picking on coworkers!  *sigh*  Those are the things memories are made of!!!

Last night we found ourselves at the local Starbucks - jabbering.  Laughing.  Celebrating.  She has news which I will not spill here.  BUT LET ME TELL YOU it is GREAT news! *Grin*

I had already downed my decaf grande and wanted a second, so I went to get Kiki an H2O and grab my drink.  While I was up there she noticed a change in me.  I went back to where we were sitting and she told me...

MY THIGHS ARE THINNER.  She can tell.  She said she noticed that my legs were smaller!  WOOOHOOO!  I guess my 1 week haitus from gymming is now over! *Grin*  With that kind of encouragement, how could I NOT return!?!?!

So...  I continue to bask in the glow of a friend noticing something about me!  *sigh*  Yes!  Life is good!!!

Kara
 
Last night...
07.21.06 (5:59 am)   [edit]

I was sooo tired.  I went out with Kiki and we talked for a few hours. I got home around 9:30.  I then putzed around the house, let the dogs out and started a load of laundry. I didn't want to wait till it finished, but it only had 10 minutes on the timer.  It took much longer than that *Grin*

So I was EXHAUSTED when I crawled into bed.  But I am house sitting and their alarm clock gives off altogether too much light and all night I was moving to get away from it.

Also, my mind wouldn't slow down.

 I had orientation for an AZ job yesterday - paperwork and drug testing.  The two week training begins on Monday and my first paycheck is on August 9.  WOOHOO!!

BUT I got a call from TX.  I did a pre-screen for a potential position in a tech co there.  It would take more brain power, pay more and the benefits start sooner (I think).  This morning is my 2nd interview.  1 hour and 40 minutes. 

I keep worrying about how I am going to pay for things between now and August 9.  I did some work for a friend this week and that helped. I also got an email this morning saying I can do more beta testing over the weekend and that will help.  I am trying not to freak out.

I DID realize a few minutes ago that I spaced schoolwork this week.  I thought I had it all done last weekend, but I guess that wasn't this module.  WHEW!  Now I have to play catch up today/tonight.  UGH!!!

Anyway, I am hoping that by writing this all down, I will be able to get it out of my brain and then I will not worry as much.  We shall see!

Kara

 
 
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